I’ve made a decision. I’m blogging here for the meantime. I’ve tried to write something in my other blog but either I just go blank or I delete most of what I have written. It’s like I’m censoring my own thoughts.

I think I spoke too soon. My post Changes sounded so positive and hopeful. I know it’s only been a few weeks since the man and I have made amends. But why do I feel kind of depressed again?

I was watching the movie The Good Girl last night. I’ve seen this movie before, but I had the urge to watch it again last night. I guess, to have something to write about and to explain what I have gone through.

At the beginning of the movie, Justine, the main character played by Jennifer Aniston was narrating:

As a girl you see the world as a giant candy store filled with sweet candy and such. But one day you look around and you see a prison and you’re on death row. You wanna run or scream or cry but something’s locking you up. Are the other folks cows chewing cud until the hour comes when their heads roll? Or are they just keeping quiet like you, planning their escape.”

For a period of time, I also felt like I was in a prison. There were times when I wanted to scream and run, but something’s holding me back – namely my three children. I came from a broken home and I know how hard it is and I didn’t want them to experience what I have gone through.

But then, I can relate so much to Justine’s character. She is so unhappy in her marriage. Her husband frustrates and annoys her. Although, there is more excitement going on in my life than Justine’s home-work-home life, I find my relationship so boring.

Later on in the movie, Justine said:

After living in the dark for so long, a glimpse of the light can make you giddy. Strange thoughts come into your head and you better think’em. Has a special fate been calling you and you not listening? Is there a secret message right in front of you and you’re not reading it? Is this your last, best chance? Are you gonna take it? Or are you going to the grave with unlived lives in your veins?”

All these changes of going back to work at the office and getting out of the house, I also saw a glimpse of light and it sure did make me giddy. I had my chance to escape. It made me excited. But then again I was held back. Why didn’t I take that chance? Was it because I felt guilty, like I was being selfish? Was it my last best chance though? I look back now and think, did I really make the right decision? Or did I just make that decision to make everybody happy? Why doesn’t it feel right for me?