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This was the opening song at mass this morning. I always get goosebumps when I hear this song and when we sing it at church, I always get misty-eyed and even get choked up at those times when I feel that I’m lost.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me –
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T’was Grace that taught –
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear –
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares –
we have already come.
T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far –
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me –
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be –
as long as life endures.

When we’ve been here ten thousand years –
bright shining as the sun.
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise –
then when we’ve first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me –
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

I’ve made a decision. I’m blogging here for the meantime. I’ve tried to write something in my other blog but either I just go blank or I delete most of what I have written. It’s like I’m censoring my own thoughts.

I think I spoke too soon. My post Changes sounded so positive and hopeful. I know it’s only been a few weeks since the man and I have made amends. But why do I feel kind of depressed again?

I was watching the movie The Good Girl last night. I’ve seen this movie before, but I had the urge to watch it again last night. I guess, to have something to write about and to explain what I have gone through.

At the beginning of the movie, Justine, the main character played by Jennifer Aniston was narrating:

As a girl you see the world as a giant candy store filled with sweet candy and such. But one day you look around and you see a prison and you’re on death row. You wanna run or scream or cry but something’s locking you up. Are the other folks cows chewing cud until the hour comes when their heads roll? Or are they just keeping quiet like you, planning their escape.”

For a period of time, I also felt like I was in a prison. There were times when I wanted to scream and run, but something’s holding me back – namely my three children. I came from a broken home and I know how hard it is and I didn’t want them to experience what I have gone through.

But then, I can relate so much to Justine’s character. She is so unhappy in her marriage. Her husband frustrates and annoys her. Although, there is more excitement going on in my life than Justine’s home-work-home life, I find my relationship so boring.

Later on in the movie, Justine said:

After living in the dark for so long, a glimpse of the light can make you giddy. Strange thoughts come into your head and you better think’em. Has a special fate been calling you and you not listening? Is there a secret message right in front of you and you’re not reading it? Is this your last, best chance? Are you gonna take it? Or are you going to the grave with unlived lives in your veins?”

All these changes of going back to work at the office and getting out of the house, I also saw a glimpse of light and it sure did make me giddy. I had my chance to escape. It made me excited. But then again I was held back. Why didn’t I take that chance? Was it because I felt guilty, like I was being selfish? Was it my last best chance though? I look back now and think, did I really make the right decision? Or did I just make that decision to make everybody happy? Why doesn’t it feel right for me?

Now I’m ready to talk. I feel like I’ve gone through so much these past few months. My personal turmoil that has been brewing these many years has reached it’s climax. I have so many things to share that I don’t even know where to start. But of course, I have to start somewhere.

I have wanted to share my personal struggle in my other blog. Actually, I started writing about it there. But when people started noticing my blog, I hesitated to go on. It was already too late to be anonymous.

This is the reason why I started this new blog. Of course, I’m not completely anonymous as I carried on the same name and title. But at least my friends and family won’t know about this and this way, I can express myself freely, without any inhibitions.

It’s been ten weeks now since I went back to work. Not that I haven’t been working at home for the last six years. I meant going back to work at the office.

It seems that the ten weeks went by just like that but at the same time, a lot of changes have happened to me. And there are times when I feel like it’s been years since I last worked at home.

Changes – I mean in and out.

As a start, I lost ten pounds and four inches, on the waist, where else do you think? 🙂 I should be happy about that eh? In a way, I am. Because I really wanted to lose the weight. But I guess the circumstances that brought about the weight loss were not ideal.

“Cause you’re not eating,” Michelle said when I showed her how loose my pants were. Of course I’m eating, but not as much as she does. Just because I stay at my desk at lunch doesn’t mean that I’m not eating. Well, I did stop eating junk food, which Michelle does at her desk. 🙂 Peace, Michelle. 🙂 Okay, maybe I’m not eating a full meal at lunch. But I’m eating my fruits, a muffin or something else and I drink my juice.

“Cause you’re stressed,” Talits said. I think that’s mainly the reason why.

Michelle and Talits are two of the friends who have been very supportive these past couple of months as I try to deal with a personal crisis that I have to go through.

And of course, another reason was my two jobs. I was working seven days a week and my weekend job was physically demanding. I was up on my feet and I did a lot of walking during my shifts. The key word here is WAS. I quit that job after two months. Not only was the pay low, even with the Sunday premium, but it has been hard on my family especially my youngest son, who missed me so much.

As I said to Libs, “I think I only took that job to avoid the man on the weekends.” To which she added, “You can’t run away from your problems.” I knew that.

As I look back now, I think it was a very silly reason because not only did it not help the relationship, but it hurt the children as well since I wasn’t around that much. And I think I really made a drastic change. I was at home for six years and I started my second job almost at the same time that I went back to work at the office. It was just too hard on the kids.

So, I finally had the Saturday night and Sunday off last weekend. I went to buy me some new pants. I was wearing a size 10 just last week and they looked really baggy on me. Now I’m wearing a size 6! And I thought that I only went down two sizes. How about that huh? And I was already feeling good about myself until I told Chat about it and I found out that she sometimes wears a size four. I still love you Chat. 🙂 But I’m happy with size 6. That’s my normal size.

And yeah, that problem that I was trying to run away from, I’ve already faced and dealt with. It wasn’t easy. It took a lot out of me emotionally. But I did.

So am I a changed person now? I think I’m slowly changing. And that’s partly because the man’s starting to change, too.